SewerSota

Once upon a time, a cute little couple visited the gulf coast of Florida. They went back several times, each time better than the last. In December, 2007, when it was 30 degrees in Ohio, they traveled down there for 5 days, laying on the powdery white sand, chugging tasty beverages, swimming in the crystal blue pool, walking on the pier, and having NOT a care in the world. Then, when aforementioned cute little couple celebrated their 15th anniversary in March 2008, they went BACK. Sipping more tasty spirits (do you see a theme?), watching dolphins flip, and sitting poolside, once again, culminated into a fab visit. Well, the brighter the sun shone, and the more drinks that were consumed, the more the conversation seemed to go like this:

"Why the hell do we live in Ohio?"
"Because..."

"Seriously. Why?"

"I don't know."

"Your job is tanking. You want to quit. So why not move here?"
"Hmmm. Yeah. Why NOT?"
"Seriously."
"YEAH!"
"HELL YEAH!"
"Sheeeit. We's movin'. Gimme another drink."

"BARKEEP! Another round!"
"OK, so we'll move here."
"Yes! Yes, we will!"

It all made such perfect sense. The dumbass couple raced home, listed their house, and the gentleman made a grand announcement to his office that they would be moving when the house sold. (Never mind that for the next 3 months his co workers and boss would nervously ask: 'umm, so, when do you think you'll be moving to Florida?") The wife began researching areas, schools, neighborhoods, and all signs pointed to Sarasota... the supposed gem of the Gulf Coast. She ditched her winter sweaters. Then they (hahahha!) put a deposit down on a condo --as the wife said, "It'll be snapped up if we don't get it now!" -because, you know, the housing market is on fire down in Florida. (Wildly sarcastic laughter here). They ordered a POD. Was their house sold? Hell no. Did they have jobs? Hell no. They loudly proclaimed to friends and family they were leaving, dammit! "What about jobs?" Parents asked cautiously. "Ahh, screw jobs. We'll find something!" The wife chirped. "I'm renting kayaks and stocking lumber at Lowe's!" The husband declared. In June, 2008, they planned a reconaissance mission to Sarasota to get the lay of the land. The first thing the lady noticed was the pungent smell of shit. Everywhere. Then she realized there was nothing to do. It was DEAD. Then she realized she didn't even like the town. She was offered a job making $15 an hour while her hubby spoke with a few companies that were being killed from the economy and not hiring anyone. Then they realized there were no, what do you call them, BUSINESSES? in Sarasota. Then they realized a few sunny days of getting drunk and not working when it was grey and cold back home was enough to blind ANYONE-- but the reality of it was something else entirely. Then, their oldest daughter complained that the high school looked like a prison, and when they visited the condo they were locked into, the daughter noticed that her bedroom was microscopic. So she made THE hilarious comment of the entire trip: "Great. When I come home from my prison school I can lock myself in my cupboard."

The days dragged by during their visit in their little beach house, each one with more foreboding than the next. The husband began to beat himself over the head for his foolhardiness in not researching the job market in Florida. The wife consoled him and said "We'll land on your feet. Don't forget, you can rent jet skis on the beach." Well, the more the hubby thought about it, the more he knew he really couldn't rent jet skis (or even kayaks). One day, he got into his $500 suit and drove back into SewerSota for a final "interview" and the receptionist sadly said: "Oh, gee, was that today? Todd's out of the country." The wife received a stark text that simply said: "Well I was blown off. Dude out of the country. Sign from God." Finally, their 7 days were up and they fled back to Ohio...where, funny thing, the husband got 2 job offers almost instantly.

Upon reaching the lush, green, alligator-free grasses of Worthington, they fell to their knees and kissed the ground. As the wife drove to her FANTASTIC job, she gave thanks to the spirits above that she hadn't opened her big mouth and quit. She gazed upon the restaurants, art galleries, and shops of her city and appreciated it all with fresh eyes. They wrote a check for $2800 to get out of their lease and vowed to never speak of it again.

One night about a week after their return, the lovely couple started laughing and couldn't stop. It started when the wife commented, "Do you realize I have no winter clothes?" And then the insanity of the last 3 months dawned on them. The bullet they dodged was more like a bazooka. Moral of the story: Dorothy was right.