call me, my line, call me, call me any, anytime......

Raymond Chandler's private eye creation, Philip Marlowe said it best: "I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country. What I had was a coat, a hat and a gun."

OK, maybe a coat, and maybe a cute little funky hat, but I don't have a gun in my house... which is a good thing due to the trauma I have endured lately.

Here’s a tip for you-who-may-be-reading-this: Do not sign up with Vonage. Even though their happy little jingle... Woo-hoo, woo-hoo-hoo.....is quite catchy and sucks you in, do not be tempted. I spent 15 HOURS last week on the phone with them... An average of 2 hrs a day. I talked to Amir, Mohammed, Shamir, and finally... Greg. Thank God. He talked me through it like a bomb detonator: “See that wire? Put it in the Vonage adapter. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN DO THIS.”
Me- “NO! I can’t!” (sob, with dirt and spiderwebs in my hair from crawling on the basement floor.)
“Yes, you can. FOCUS! FOCUS! Remove the cable from the phone jack and place it in the back of the Vonage adapter!”
“I DID! No dial tone!”
“OK, place the cable into the base of your cordless phone...”
“NO! If I unhook it we won’t be talking anymore!”
“Trust me...trust me. YOU CAN DO THIS!”
-click— and Greg is still there, Praise Jesus! “Told you! You have to trust me!” He says, now into the 82nd minute of our conversation.
“Now....I want you to hang up and I’ll call you right back.” He says.
“Noooooo!!!” I whimper.
“Trust me. I WILL CALL YOU BACK!” He says with fervent loyalty and conviction, like the dude in Last of the Mohicans declaring, “I will find you!”
With a trembling hand, I hang up.
RING! RING! I leap on it. “Hello?”
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Greg says cheerfully.
I almost want to bear Greg a child, right on my basement floor. (I don’t know if he wants one, but that is the depth of my gratitude.) I skip, sing and jump. I tell him goodbye and I love him, then go upstairs. I pick up the wall phone on my kitchen. DEAD AIR. No dial tone.
My ecstasy wanes a bit as I realize that even though my cordless phone works, that unfortunately the damn thing is tethered to my computer in the basement, and I don’t want that! How inconvenient! Plus, none of my wall phones work.
I call Vonage back.
“Hello, this is Kabul, I may help you?”
“I want to talk to Greg.”
“There many of us are here, assisting you is our pleasure, I for know no Greg, there are seven million of us here who work.”
“GOD DAMN. Why don’t my wall phones work? Only my cordless?”
“For phones for to work, you must go outside to gray junction box on your ‘ome and to pull out the three cables.”
“Huh?”
“Please to make sure there is no electricity for you to be shocked and meet your death.”
“HUH? How do I do that?”
“You can hire an electrician.”
“I am not hiring an electrician!” I sputter.
2 DAYS LATER:
“Hello, thank you for calling Vonage, this is Kushka, may I be of assistance?”
“Yes. My wall phones don’t work.”
“For phones to work, you must go outside to gray junction box on your ‘ome and pull out the t’ree cables.”
“I DID THAT. Still no dial tone, only on my cordless.”
“Hmmm. Plug the back of the cord into the base of your phone...”
“I DID THAT TOO.”
“Hmmmm. You for have many many notes here on your account.”
“I want to cancel!”
“You must call another number!”
TWO HOURS LATER:
“Thank you for calling Account Services, this is Rigestan, may I for be to help?”
“I was given this number to cancel.”
“Why for you be to cancel Vonage?”
“Don’t make me get into it. This is my thirteenth phone call. I just want to cancel. I want to go back to AT & T.”
“You must call AT & T, and they must be to instructing us to give your number back to you.”
ONE DAY LATER:
“Thanks for calling AT & T, this is Lisa, can I help you?”
“GET ME AWAY FROM VONAGE! What do I do?”
ONE HOUR LATER:
“OK, Stephanie, you’re all set, we have your number scheduled to be back soon, and the number is 555...7543...”
“Great! Thanks! Wait! What? It’s not 7543. It’s 7354.”
“It is?”
“YES! It is! I know my own phone number.”
“Sorry. We must have transposed something.... Please hold...”
PATHETIC I tell you!!! NOW I find out that Vonage may not release my number for 2 more weeks, conveniently putting me over the 30 day guarantee timeframe... What a headache this has been!!!
ARRRGGGHHHH.
I just got back from driving Mom & Dad to the airport; they’re going to visit Vinny and Tam. I should have stowed away in their luggage. Take me away and plop me down on a beach!!!
OH- last Saturday we did an acoustic set,-- other than the angry bar wench and no crowd, we rocked!! CDU Unplugged! What a shame, what a shame.....